Erica Leigh,

springbreak2011.  i refuse to let this week go without engaging in grand activities.  it’s time to live a little…if i can’t make it to orlando, at least i can send up prayers for them and go on excursions around michigan.

places to visit:

• grand traverse pie company in troy or sterling heights
• paciugo gelato & cafe in rochester hills
• ann arbor to explore
• kalamazoo to explore
• lansing to explore
• royal oak to explore
• birmingham to explore
• frankenmuth to explore

things to do:

• volunteer at a soup kitchen
• see an opera
• go to a museum
• visit a university
• bake cookies from scratch (no pre-made dough allowed)
• buy a polaroid camera
• go to a baseball game
• meet new people
• get a group to dress up as characters and act in a restaurant setting

now, i may not be able to do all of these, but i hope i accomplish some :) who wants to come with??

thoughts:

-chocolate chip cookies sound extravagant right now

-too unhealthy to go on the orlando mission trip…extremely heartbroken about it, but He’s still in control.

-disappointed in myself for letting stress overwhelm and sicken me.

-done complaining and projecting negative thoughts.  optimism is sexy.

-spring break will be a refresher.

-healthy starts now.

i asked God for clarity on the new boy situation, and i do believe last night i received it.  the boy i deemed perfect for myself?  not so perfect.  in fact, a bit rude and deceiving.  which is disappointing, considering how badly i wanted things to work out.  surprisingly, though i am bummed and it hurts a little, i’m not taking this as i’d expected.  i’m content with whatever God throws my way.  if he wasn’t meant for my life, i’m glad i’ve figured it out now instead of furthering our relationship and finding out then.  as much as i wish things had taken a different direction, for the better, it doesn’t change anything.  i’m the same girl with the same mindset.  with that, and seeing how the boy has changed since i first started conversing with him, i’m moving on.  maybe he’ll turn out to be the guy i originally thought he was…the man of Christ i had been searching for…and maybe not.  but i know, regardless, that when the right person pursues me, i will be confident in that.  for now, i will be grateful for the life i live.  i’m so blessed, it’s absolutely mind-blowing.

hello fellow tumblrs,

i now present you with a wonderful update on the world of erica spitzley:  went on a shamrock shake run after school with an awfully awkward gentleman, it was quite the awkward adventure (alliteration…see what i did there).  due to the fact that i am ill, i will not be hanging out with a darling child tonight.  i’m disappointed and currently praying he doesn’t hit up a rave with a random chick…hypothetically speaking of course.  i’m falling quite quickly for this young man, although he is most certainly not aware.  i have every reason to believe he has some feelings for me, but my intuition radar has been wrong before.  he just seems to be on the same path as i am, which is an amazing component to a relationship.  but i’m probably over thinking things as always, we’ll wait and see how it plays out.  God has a plan.  He always does.  i’m off to hit the hay for a bit…this sickness isn’t fun.

<3

my main goal is to be really (in the sense that the feeling is true) happy.  i’m attempting.  today really hasn’t been my day, but maybe it’ll be tomorrow.  keep pushing forward with the knowledge that God’s love is manifested within you, and the wisdom that comes from that knowledge.  everything will be okay.  it will.  that’s my best advice today.  embrace every moment, even if it’s a crummy one.  from those crummy moments we learn to appreciate the magnificent ones, and that’s what truly matters.

the stress has been piling up.  i haven’t been myself, and it hurts so much.  pardon the following rant about my struggles, but i have nowhere else to freely express it.  everything is just building, and i can’t shake it.  it’s painful and unhealthy, but it won’t go away.  so here is my life as of now:

+ my grades are slipping and i have no time to improve them.  i need those As, and i beat myself up about my lack of effort in school but i have absolutely no way to balance the workload with the rest of the things going on.  i’ve fallen so far behind that i now have a total of three essays to write, 16? or so chapters to read, 2 tests to study for, a presentation to prepare, etc (all overdue).  but i’m so busy that i just…can’t.

+ my parents are a mess.  if i have to witness another awful fight followed by cuddling, i don’t know what i’m going to do.  don’t tell me you’re getting a divorce again, and start sleeping in the same room again.  don’t tell me you can’t handle being with each other anymore, and hold hands afterward.  i don’t care if you tell me i’m selfish for feeling this way, but i’m sick of being caught on this roller coaster ride of your relationship.  i’m sorry, but to put it bluntly, this isn’t fair…please get yourselves together.  then come to me.  and it doesn’t help that i can’t tell you what’s going on in my life and how i feel because you’re too busy dealing with your crazy twists and turns.  damage is being done, whether you realize it or not.  i need a family…not this.

+ i’ve been pushing my friends away.  not purposefully, but i have.  i can’t help it.  all i want to do is sit and cry and wait for things to get better again.  i hate feeling this way.  i hate it.  i’ve been doing so well in following my faith, i’ve been trying so hard.  i need to be in relationship with people that know what i’m dealing with.  i’m too afraid to tell anyone.  disoriented…that’s what i am.  i want to find my way again.  i hate being quiet.

+ i just want to help people.  more than anything, i feel like that’s what i need to be doing.  and that’s been taking precedence over everything.  i’ve taken on a lot of people’s burdens.  i love it, because it makes me feel useful and needed and wanted and helpful.  and i love that.  but at the same time, i’m not helping me.  i don’t really want to.  i wish i could just ignore things until it all disappears and i’m happy again.  don’t get me wrong, there are days when i’m completely happy and i forget the nastiness behind what’s going on at home, and i’m actually happy those times.  i love being happy.

+ the boy i thought was my perfect…complement…well, i recently discovered just how wonderful he could be for my life.  and that whole thing feels like the only thing going right these days.  but, i’ve gotten mixed reactions from so many people; “he’s playing you” “i just don’t want you to get hurt” “you really shouldn’t date him because of how he acted in the past…” and i know people aren’t saying these things to deliberately stray me away from something i feel good about, but it makes me think.  i just want to be with someone that can understand me.  i don’t want to be going through this (excuse my toned-down french) crap when i venture into a relationship.  i don’t want to heap this mess onto him, or anyone, and have him/anyone go “wow, she’s got some weird stuff going on” and bail.  i need to trust that he/anyone won’t, but it’s hard.  especially seeing girls talk to him that make me feel uncomfortable…it’s just rough.

+ i’m having some major, major health issues.  not extreme diagnosed issues, but there are times when my heart just races and i can’t breathe and everything feels crazy and i just want to cry.  i have a weird lump-ish-thing under my chin and it’s freaking me out.  it’s probably nothing, but with all this stress, i’m just worried.  i don’t eat much anymore, either.  not because i’m dieting or anything…i love food.  love it.  but i’m never hungry and the smell of food is just repulsing lately.  i’m just not healthy and it kinda scares me.

i’m done for now, i’m off to bed.  but honestly, if you’re out there, and you believe in God and you pray, i just ask you to pray for me.  i need some serious guidance.  and i LOVE my Lord for everything he’s been blessing me with, but sometimes it’s hard not to break down.  so, i just wanted everyone to know what was happening for the most part; in case you’ve noticed anything different about the way i’ve been acting.  if you read this, congratulations, you probably just read the most pointless depressing story on tumblr…haha.  <3 you, my 48 followers ;)